Wednesday, December 6, 2006
The Real World

The real world sucks sometimes. It just seems like no matter what I do, no matter what I think of, I just can't seem to find a way to get ahead. It seems like I'll never get all our debt paid off, and if I ever do, we'll just have to buy something else to acrue more debt. Like cars or a house.

My dream is to have a house someday, a home I can call my own, and do what I like with. But it's very depressing when you think about all the costly work that goes into one, and how much it costs just to get one, and how many more bills there are associated with one. And then I think "Shit, I can't even afford my own apartment yet". But I still want one.

And I heard on the news the other day that 50% of people in their 20's are either moving back in with their parents or simply haven't left yet because they can't afford to live on their own. And that really fuckin' sucks. Because I know people within higher income brackets than me are part of that percentage, and if they can't afford it, will I ever be able to? I'm beginning to wonder if my only shot at owning a house is going to be waiting until Grandma and Papa die and hoping that mom signs this place over to me. And I just don't think I could live in this house after they're gone, it would feel too strange. If I did, their bedrooms would go to waste, because I wouldn't be able to use them. I'd feel like I'm invading or something.

But I suppose things could be much, much worse than they are. I do give thanks for what I do have, and I feel selfish when I complain like this, but damnit I just have to vent sometimes. At least I have a roof over my head, family who loves me, and food in my tummy. I do have enough extra to afford an internet connection and a cell phone, and I've even started dance again. Dance is proving to be a lot more expensive than I'd anticipated, but I'm determined to make it work. And even though my business idea failed, I've found a new job, and one that I like. Doesn't pay that well and I have to commute, but it makes ends meet.

I guess I just wish the world wasn't as harsh as it is, that people would just fucking help each other. That people wouldn't turn the other cheek when someone's in need. I want a world community, and I know it's an incredibly unrealistic goal, but I still want it.

Niki dropped off at 11:17 a.m.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Trust and Violation

Have you ever known someone your whole life, and idolized that someone your whole life, and trusted and respected and loved that someone your whole life, just to find out something completely different? Something devastating, something that completely undoes what you always thought of them?

It's really disheartening when something like that happens. You feel like you can't trust anyone, that you always have to be on your guard, but you know you can't always be because that's paranoia. And you feel lost because now you don't know who you can and cannot trust, you don't know who's going to try to buy you, uncle or not. It didn't stop him, being his niece, not for one second. It almost seemed to egg him on, the pursuit of me, the thrill of it, the fun of the mind game, mind bending.

I felt... nothing when he approached me. Maybe fear, I knew I should leave before he tried anything. And I got out unscathed, besides the mark in my head, the stuck replay button that I can't unstick. The audio not letting me forget his voice, how calm he was, how accustomed he sounded. As if it was completely natural to be asking his great-niece if he could see her breasts, if he could buy her underwear. As if it was completely normal to tell her that he'd like to have her around him, and telling her how much he liked sex, how fun it was. As if it's just natural to ask his niece if she'd ever been "propositioned" by an older man.

It was at camp. The kindly old man next door, my great-uncle of almost 80 years old. Grandma and I had forgot to call them ahead of time to have them turn the refrigerator on, we were going to stay overnight. So while Aunt Shirley visited with grandma at our camp, I went next door to put our cold stuff in their fridge until ours was cold enough. He followed me inside. He started by asking if we could talk openly for a minute. He asked if he could call me Nicole, because he liked that name better. Then he gave me a hug, and started asking me about my breasts. He asked how big they were, if he could see them. He said he liked hugging me because he could feel them, and it made him tingly all over. I was too stunned to move, and he was between me and the exit, I couldn't think, couldn't move, could hardly breathe, hardly had any sense to say "no". But I did, I said no. He kept going, about other things. He asked if I wore sexy underwear, he asked if he could have a pair, he even offered to buy them. He said he just liked to smell them. He asked if Matt and I had lots of sex, if Matt ever sucked on my boobs. He asked if I had lots of hair, if I ever "spread my lips" for Matt. And he kept changing the subject, as if to confuse me. As if changing to the subject of my car made asking me all these things OK. He kept asking me if I thought he was a horrible person. I told him no, because I thought that if I told him what I really thought he'd do something drastic, something more, something to shut me up. I was scared, I don't remember feeling it when I was there, but I was. While I was there I felt like a rock, I felt as if the world had stopped, I was sweating, it was stifling hot, I felt suffocated, I wanted to leave, I knew I had to leave. He tried to kiss me, I pushed him away. He seemed confused that I didn't let him but he kept on with his conversation. He kept on asking me questions, telling me things. Telling me that he thought about me a lot, told me that when I used to wear those "little dungaree shorts" I filled them out just nice. I haven't worn those since I was little. He was looking at me when I was a little kid, and thinking these things, and how many other little kids has he looked at? Does he still think I'm a little kid? Is that what he sees me as? Has he been looking at Shannon? And he didn't do anything illegal, nothing we can legally report him for and have him put away where he can't hurt us again. All he did was come onto a full-grown woman. And now I can't go to camp alone, my safe haven isn't safe anymore. I can't find peace there anymore. And I feel lost, because anytime anything was ever wrong, all I had to do was go there and think on it and find my peace and go back and deal with the problem. It was my strength, my sacred space. And now it's gone.

And when I told, when I found it within myself to tell someone, aunt Shirley called me a liar. He denied it. Uncle Joel didn't seem to believe me either, and if he did he was trying to excuse it. I'm shocked Papa even believed me, or Aunt Di. But Aunt Di said she wasn't surprised, she knows his daughter and his son, and his son is no better and had to learn it from somewhere. And I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time, he seemed to know what he was doing, what he was thinking. He was planning on approaching me, it was pre-meditated, he just needed an opening.

And this morning Aunt Shirley called, and he's admitted it to her, but it doesn't change it. She appologized for calling me a liar, and they're leaving in a few weeks. And while I love her dearly still I know she won't leave him after 60 years, and I hope they don't come back. I never want to see him again, nothing they say or do can change the fact that he did it, that he violated my trust and I don't want to see him. I just want his voice to leave my head. I don't want to feel his hands on my back anymore. I don't want to feel his wrinkled skin as I pushed his face away from me.

I just want to feel safe.

Niki dropped off at 10:01 a.m.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Cars

Sometimes you gotta love ownership. My exhaust system is sufficiently rusted and rotted out. Thankfully the muffler's still there and salvagable, but I need to get a new pipe. We're hoping it falls under the warranty so we can still take our vacation this fall. But if not, no biggie. We'll probably still take time off, and just go to camp or something instead. Or sit around at home.

Now I just need to be careful of bumps and stuff, so the rest of the exhaust system doesn't fall out before I can get it down to Richard's. Jay came down and wired the pipe up so it won't drag, and did a pretty good job. We took it for a spin around the block, and it didn't rattle at all. The little shit told me he was surprised I'd gotten the hang of a standard because of how nervous I was at first.

Oh well. Crisis averted until next week.

Niki dropped off at 08:09 p.m.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Boob Job!

So I got my boob cut open today. I was awake for it, too, which was kind of odd. No IV or oxygen or anything of the sort, just a numbing shot to the boob and away they went. The docs and I wound up talking about food halfway through, after a unanimous agreement that death metal is stupid.

So far so good, not much discomfort. They gave me a prescription for hydrocodone or however the hell you spell it, but I haven't taken any. I'm hoping I won't have to, I can't go vroom in my car if I'm on it. Well I could, but I'd probably wind up in a ditch.

I took the day off work tomorrow, just in case I do have to take the meds. And mostly to go shopping with Jennifer. She's down for a visit until Friday with little Wyatt. He's such a little cutie! Everything is a cookie or a puppy. And he loves to give kisses.

Other than that, nothing going on on the home front. Papa's recovery is going well, and he's hoping to be able to golf next summer.

Niki dropped off at 09:07 p.m.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Stuff

Lots of stuff has been happening lately. Grandma and Papa went to my cousin's wedding a couple weeks ago, and grandma came back sick. Just as she was starting to recover, papa had a heart attack.

He's doing all right now. The heart attack itself was just about as mild a one as you can have and still call it a heart attack. He got sent to St. Peter's hospital for a bypass, they couldn't fix the blockages with stints. He also needed a valve replaced. That was all done yesterday morning, and he's awake off and on now.

To top that off, the siblings are all fighting again. Over a phone call that wasn't made. Instead of pulling together for strength, they're refusing to see or speak to each other. Aunt Denny went home early this morning, left the key to camp at the house before any of us were awake. Mom isn't speaking with aunt Di or grandma because they didn't call her yesterday. And aunt Denny also won't speak with aunt Di or grandma. Grandma's just pissed off, and I'm rather tired myself. I refuse to take sides, and it seems like all either side can do is try to make me choose their side. Aunt Di keeps asking me to tell mom this or that, and mom just responds with anger and "yeah whatever"s.

I have my own doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, too. Pre-op screening, the doc found a lump in my boob. Odds are it's nothing, I've already had a mammo, and it didn't show any signs of cancer. But the doc still wants it out because of my family history, a biopsy of it needs to be done to figure out what exactly it is. That way when in the future the same thing pops up, we'll know what it is without having to remove it. Unless we do, but the signs are all good ones.

So yeah, hell of a time we've been having. But there is a bright side. Matt got a job at Ace. He'll be starting there shortly, and we'll be getting better benefits. I just hope we make it through papa's recovery with our sanity relatively intact.

Niki dropped off at 09:49 p.m.

Monday, May 8, 2006
Finished

I'm finished with Stewart's, they can eat me. Working two jobs was just killing me, I haven't been healthy lately. Not to be gross, but I've been having massive diarrhea for about a week, and my stomach is just all gurgly. The other night after getting off my second job, I don't even remember how I got home. I know that I was driving, but I don't remember actually doing it.

So yesterday during my lunch break (I work at Lowe's now, btw) I called and tried to get ahold of Roger. He didn't answer either phone, so I just told the girls at the store that I quit, I couldn't do anything else. They weren't too happy and I still have to go down and give them my uniforms. But I come before Stewart's does. And when my husband sits me down and literally asks me to quit because staying is straining our relationship and making me sick, then it's time to quit. There's no reason to stay with them, and I don't plan on going back ever again.

On the up side, I got a new car. It's a year 2000 Honda Civic EX, five-speed standard transmission, upgraded radio and speaker system, two-door and red. She is HOT. I love my car. Matt wants to run away with it. But he can't because it's mine. Jay wants it too, but I don't think a car like that would be good for him because he got the bad-ass syndrome when he was driving it the other day. Now I just have to learn how to not roll backwards on a hill...

Niki dropped off at 10:46 a.m.