			Me I'm 17, I'm fresh out of high school, I'm engaged, and since I've gotten out of high school I've forgotten that people actually do exist. God I miss people. Love I'm in love with Matt. He's very kind and gentle, and he doesn't judge me or try to change me. We're going to have a wonderful little family some day, and we'll always be in as much love as we are now. Blog Archive Quizzes People Lau Sara John & Sika Sab Links Jonathon Art TCS Stick Death Fling the Cow Magic Hate Ball DeviantART Penguin Baseball! Poke the Penguin Poke the Bunny
Friday, April 30, 2004 You know, I actually forgot that my birthday is coming up until mom mentioned cake. I'm getting old. But, in any case, Monday is my 18th birthday (I will officially be a year older than Sara for a day!) and I plan on buying a scratch-off or two. I will officially be able to legally move out of my mother's house and live on my own without any adult supervision, because I will be one of these so-called "adults" (lord help the world). Of course, I will most likely immediately turn into a bum, and sit on my ass in my mother's house, occasionally giving her some money from my sure-to-be small paycheck for groceries. Aren't you supposed to feel differently as your 18th birthday approaches? Like, this grand feeling of liberation or something? If that's the case, I think I'm out of the loop. I don't feel any different at all. Oh well, maybe I will on Monday. For now, I'm going to go bug mom and see if we can go up to camp. Niki ran away at 02:27 p.m. Monday, April 26, 2004 Well, I just got back from Sara's blog. It got me thinking (very dangerous thing to do). People always think they're more important than other people. It's a thing, people just like to be important. The construction worker may think he's better than the rich snob because he works a lot. The rich snob may think he's better than the construction worker because he inherited oodles and oodles of money from mommy and daddy and my God, "you think I wouldn't give it back to spend one more day with them?" (even though mommy and daddy barely knew their kid's name because they just hired out people to take care of the kid so mommy and daddy could spend all their time naked in the hot tub). People just have issues. Lots and lots of issues. They like issues. They like to have problems, and have to go get pills for the problems. They like to take 20 different pills every morning. One for cholesterol, one to counteract the cholesterol pill, one for blood pressure, one to counteract that one, another one for blood pressure, one for depression, vitamins, one to make you eat less, one to make you loose weight, one to thin your blood, one to help you heal when you get cut, one to give you energy, one to fall asleep at night, one to stay asleep at night, one to prevent excessive stomach acid, one to help you focus, one that you don't know what it does, hormone replacement because all the pills have screwed with your body, and one to help you quit whatever bad habit it is you're quitting. The sad thing is, people don't realize that over half of those pills are unnecessary. If they would just learn to handle stress better, half of their problems wouldn't exist. But most of them don't want to, they just want to run about in their incredibly stressful lives, never take vacation time, pop all their nifty pills, and get drunk (even though over half of their pill bottles say "do not drink alcohol while on this medication"). And so they mill around in their lives, constantly badgering people, thinking they're better than everyone else because of all their problems, driving other people insane. They yell at workers after closing time, before opening time, during their appointments. In the grocery store, in the spa, in the mall, wherever they are, they've got a need to yell at people. A reality check and some therapy (good therapy, not the kind that's going to give you yet another pill to take) would take care of all that for them. But they don't want it. They want to be miserable, they think they have to be miserable. They think happy people don't get anything accomplished. And while they may be right, happy people might not get as much accomplished, but at least they're happy and don't take 20 pills every morning. At this point, I would have quoted that "don't worry, be happy" song... but the guy committed suicide. All we can do to deal with these very fucked up people in society is to learn to not let it get to you. It's just another person who doesn't want any help, so all we can do is smile and nod, jot down their appointment, and send them on their miserable way. People like that like to be miserable, they don't think anything's wrong with them, it's everyone else who's wrong. So just smile and nod, don't let it bother you, there's nothing we can do that will help them or even put them in their place. They'll have a heart attack by the time they're 40 (unless they're taking blood thinners, pill # 21), and then they'll have to learn how to relax, or else have another heart attack. So just smile and nod, and know that you know how to relax when you get home. It's just another face in the crowd, and you're no different to them than everyone else. Niki ran away at 01:19 p.m. Sunday, April 25, 2004 What Famous Leader Are You? personality tests by similarminds.com Figures. I somehow knew I'd be some guy that got shot. Why doesn't anyone like me?? WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! o.O Niki ran away at 03:40 p.m. Friday, April 23, 2004 dies I'm reading a series right now, and I just finished book number 5. The next one won't be out until later this summer, and it royaly sucks. I'm just going to shrivel up and die of frustration and curiosity before it comes out. But... then that would mean that I won't ever read the last two books... and then I'd be reallymad. This sucks. Damn cliff-hangers. They always get you in the end don't they? And Stephen King sure does know how to write a good cliff-hanger. Damn him. In other news, Subway called today. I'm going down there later to pick up my uniform and some booklet. I was half asleep when she called, so I can't remember everything she said (that's bad, right?), but the basic gyst is that I've got a job. Yay for me. Don't I sound thrilled? I really am happy though, I'll be able to get that car (which I have yet to pay for and tow up here), and pay for college and insurance and stuff'age. Though I have a feeling most of my paycheck will be going to insurance and the rest to gas. I might be able to save a dollar or two here and there, if I don't drive a whole lot. Mom's friend is up from Pennsylvania visiting, she's probably going to be here later around 5'ish. Yep. Aaaaaaaaaaaand.... yeah. That's about it. I have to clean the kitchen, so I should go do that. Still no word on Matt's case, which sucks royal arse, but one day at a time right? Right then. I'm out. Niki ran away at 01:27 p.m. Tuesday, April 20, 2004 Today's message is: society sucks. That is all. Niki ran away at 01:23 p.m. Sunday, April 18, 2004 Dad and I went down to check the car out. He thinks it's worth it. For 200 dollars, you can't expect much. It's a piece of shit, but it runs good. It needs a new battery, and brake work, and springs (I think he said springs, I don't know what they are). That's about it though, the transmission's good, the tires are good. It has an oil leak that can't be fixed (we can't figure out where it's leaking from), but it doesn't leak very much. I just have to remember to check the oil a lot. On another note, we're getting a thunder storm, and that makes me happy. Which means I probably shouldn't be on the computer should I? Oh well, it shouldn't surge, we've got one of them nifty surge protectors on it. I wanted to go up to camp today, I miss it. Grandma and Papa went up, and they said it's doing good. Almost no snow left, just the bank where it fell off the roof. But the creek level is low she said, for this time of year. I'm thinking we might have another dry year. I hope not, we need some rain up there. We have a porch! For anyone who's been to my house, you know that the front porch consists of a bunch of junk with a path through it so you can get from one door to the other. Well, not anymore. We spent the afternoon hauling shit out and putting it in the garage, and that makes mom happy. And me... kinda. Now I'm going to have to help mom clean it, seeing how it hasn't been vacuumed in years, because of all the junk that was formerly on the porch. And some of that junk was heavy. My knees are in pretty sorry shape today. But it's worth it to have that junk out of there. In any case, I'm going to go poke at mom and see if I can get her going so we can get some more cereal for the morning, cheerios make my stomach hurt. Niki ran away at 04:55 p.m. Thursday, April 15, 2004 I really don't know what to talk about, but I felt like blogging anyway. Still no news on Matt's case, we're hoping he'll be home by the end of this month. The way things feel, he will be. So we just have to keep pouring some possitive energy into it and hope for the best. I really want him to be home, so he can go to my cousin's wedding with me. And the dance recital. And we kind of need to find a place to live so we can get married this summer. On a possitive note, I might be getting a car. Jodie moved back to North Dakota, and Aunt Betty is selling her car. She's only asking us 200 for it, because we're familiy and that's all they paid for it. Dad needs to check it out and see if he can fix what's wrong with it. There's a tiny oil leak and a hole in the top of the gas tank, so you can only fill it halfway. But if he decides that it's good for me to drive or that he can fix it, I'll buy it. It's an 89 Mercury, almost as old as me, but it runs. Everyone has to have a junker for their first car. Hopefully I'll be able to get my licence soon, that way I can actually drive the car if I get it. Another nugget of news: Aunt Betty's going to be a grandma. Jodie's pregnant. She just found out the other day. Last I knew, Uncle Bob doesn't know yet. But yeah, that's about all I've got. Niki ran away at 06:09 p.m. Tuesday, April 13, 2004 I've been reading through my old diaries tonight, and it's utterly hilarious. I used to have this one diary that was really shiny, I started it in 5th grade, but I can't find it. So I have to settle for the next one I did, which stared on exactly March 31, 1999. Old'ness. It's really interesting to read through it and watch from a kind of third party view-point as relationships and friendships develop and disintegrate. The one from '99 especially focuses on Catlin (obviously) and Jared and Sean. Or Shawn. I spelled it Sean, but I don't know if that's how you really spell it. In any case, he was the hot electrician's son who Jared wanted to find when Jared got fed up with me flirting with him. Jared wanted to set me up with Sean so I'd leave him alone. Speaking of Jared, you all know we used to hate each other right? Well, here's an entry showing just how much I hated him. It's from January 11, 2001, and I quote: "I hate Jared. He's self-centered, concieted, ignorant, arrogant, narrow-minded, full of himself, a jerk, in love with himself, egotistical, the kind of guy who only associates with someone if they're popular, the kind of person who amuses himself at the expense of others, a prep, a fag, an asshole. I'll stop listing now. I thought he was my friend. Catlin was right. You can't trust anyone. And I trusted Jared not to hurt me. I saved Jared's ass, and this is the thanks I get? What do I have to show for the kindness I showed him? Nothing. A big fat hairy nothing. He was right. If you're nice to someone, they shove it right back in your face, so why be nice? I give up. Now I can't trust anyone. I want to, but I can't. And I owe it all to the jerk-off named Jared (insert middle and last names here)!" The funny thing is, I can't for the life of me remember how I "saved Jared's ass" or how he shoved it back in my face. Oh well, we're passed all that crappage now. I love you Jared! Even if you are a "self-centered, concieted, ignorant, arrogant..." yeah. I was quite fond of lists back then. Some other random lists: 6-25-99 "I got a yearbook Monday. More people than I thought signed it. Ange, Melinda, John V, Tanja, Seren, Jodie, Sara, Renae Q, Brittany S, Amy, Margret, Nikki, Ms. Haskel, Jared, Ashley, Mrs. Irving, Mr. Jones, Jess D, Laura B, Sharlee, Ms. Larkin, Laura S, Alicia, Becky, and Jess L." 7-29(I think)-99 "This is just perfect! NOW I like 1. Sean D 2. Jared F 3. Adam C 4. Greg H 5. Catlin F ANDJames!" Yeah, I think that's enough lists. Boy I sure like a whole lot of guys. Seems like every guy who crossed my path was subject to the affections of moi. That James character was some guy whos last name I don't know (never have known and never will know), I only met him once for about an hour, and his uncle was marrying my cousin or something like that. And he wasn't even that cute. I realize now what an annoying bitch I've been. Hell, until about the year 2000, I didn't write curse words in my diary. I actually starred them out, like "pain in the **". How dumb is that? I guess I was afraid mom would read it and get mad. Of course now, I write about all the times Matt and I make love and that sort of thing. Not like she doesn't already know. I mean, come on, I'm 17, engaged, and I spent two weeks with him alone, no supervision, sleeping in the same bed. It's not hard to figure out. I used to write in this really annoyingly bright and neon orange ink. I used it for two months (which totals up to 3 entries with me). Yeah, I didn't write very consistantly. I still don't. I'll have about 3 entries from one day, and then none until 2 months later. It is kinda fun though. Looking back on who I've had a crush on (or who I didn't have a crush on more likely) and different things like that. One thing I've noticed off and on through the years is that the entire time I was with Catlin, I liked Jon (H that is, V's too much like a brother to me, though I did have a crush on him during the Poko trip in 7th grade). Bet you didn't know that one did you? Well, besides Laura and maybe Sara. In any case, the begining of the entry where I announce to my diary my relationship with Catlin starts like this: "Jon still likes me. but we can't do anything about it because of Natalie, and I have a boyfriend now! It's Catlin of course." Great way to start off a new relationship eh? Talk about how you can't have a relationship with some other guy. We were doomed from the beginning (mainly because he's an evil prick). I actually used the word "devirginize". Where in the hell did that come from? What's really ironic is that the things I used to write about Catlin are the same exact things I've been writing about Matt. Like this sentence here: "I know we're in love, and if I have to, I'll sit her ein little (town) and wait for him to get out of the Air Force." That's just strange. I'd forgotten until I read my diary again that Catlin was going into the Air Force (of course he never did). That's just creepy. The big difference is, Matt's after more than a piece of ass and something to control. Matt actually has respect for people, compassion, kind understanding. Good possitive things. Catlin's just the apitamy of evil. If that's how you spell apitamy. In any case, I'm going to head off now, finish reading all of my diaries. It's interesting taking a trip down memory lane every now and then. It's like watching a movie of your own life, watching yourself grow up. Seeing how many things that were seemingly certain change. And things that haven't changed at all. sigh* memories. Niki ran away at 02:20 a.m. Saturday, April 10, 2004 Matt: Well, I've got three of 'em. Let's take 'em to bed and see which one pays the most. Niki ran away at 04:27 p.m. Wednesday, April 7, 2004 Why do people hate each other? I know it's a question that's been asked by many people during many different time periods, but why do they? Is there a point to it? People are so pessimistic as a whole, it's disturbing. They generalize and hate a whole group of people whom they've never even met. White people hate black people, blacks hate whites, whites hate hispanics and natives and orientals, and they hate whites. Christians hate Pagans, Protestants hate Catholics, Catholics hate Christians, Nazies hate Jews.... Why so much hate? Granted, there are exceptions to all of these generalizations, but the general trend is there, along with many others. Why the hell can't people just get along? Another thing that gets me is the word humane. "1. Characterized by kindness, mercy, or compassion: a humane judge. 2. Marked by an emphasis on humanistic values and concerns: a humane education." According to Dictionary.com. Right. It's human nature to be cold-hearted ruthless killers, so why is the word humane, which means kindness, based on the word human? Are humans trying to convince each other that they're not really bad? I was watching Wild West Tech last night, and this one was about executions. They were trying to find a "humane" way to kill someone. But what I realized was there is no humane way to kill someone (if we are to go by the technical definition of the word). No matter what, you are violently taking someone else's life away from them. The electric chair is what gets me the most. It's got to be painful, and the death is not instantaneous. Usually it took two powerful shocks to kill the person. How is that "humane"? However, I think humane has a much different meaning than what peole think. To me, it means "human like", or like humans. Humans are ruthless. So, I guess you could say that they really are executing people the humane way. Aside from that though, humans are parasites. "An organism that grows, feeds, and is sheltered on or in a different organism while contributing nothing to the survival of its host. " also from Dictionary.com. Humans grow, feed off from and are sheltered by the Earth while giving nothing in return. They don't even give anything with dead bodies anymore. They don't allow the body to decompose and fertilize the soil, they have to pump it full of chemicals to keep it from being destroyed. Humans are destroying everything, despite all the "protected areas" and the "endangered species". Why do they need protection in the first place? Most likely becasue humans started destroying it. Look at decades ago when people went touring to see the wonders of the world. They used to be allowed to chip rock chunks off of the monuments to bring home as a souvenir! They didn't realize from the beginning that if they continued doing that, there would be no monument left to look at? Sure they realized it later, but that doesn't dispute the fact that they began to destroy something their own kind created. It's human nature to take and take and take and give absolutely nothing in return. I find it disgusting. Why do humans believe that the world was put here for our consumption? Why do humans believe they're superior to everything else? If you ask me, humans need to learn to live as part of the whole. The Earth is our home, so why destroy it? Next thing you know, when things start going really downhill, they'll be colonizing Mars. They'll make Mars livable, and then destroy that and move on to the next hunk of rock. By that time they might have developed the technology to go to the next star system and destroy things there. If allowed to continue, humans will eventually be feeding off of and destroying the entire universe. How's that for happy cheery thoughts? If there are any extra terrestrials out there who are very bright, they need to wipe humans off the slate of the universe before humans take over their own planets. Here's another question: why do people think that whatever land they set foot on is theirs? Take into consideration the settlers that came to this "new world", the pilgrims. They came over here, set up camp, and proceeded to destroy the cultures that already existed around here. Oh sure, they allowed the cultures to exist for a while, they just pushed them back a ways so that they could have room. But eventually, they took over this entire nation from East coast to West coast, and destroyed the cultures that were there. Granted, there are indian reservations, but it's not the same. Before the settlers got here, they had the run of the land and were free to do what they pleased, and they were happy. Then the settlers came, said "no you can't do that anymore", and forced them to change and conform to their own ways. Which were crappy to begin with and only got worse. This happened all over the world, in Africa and India and so on. What makes people think they need to change everyone to do what they're doing? To force their own ways and beliefs on everyone in the world? WHY? What makes humans so damn great? Look at other species now. Have you ever noticed that predetor and prey can live side by side without being frightened of one another? Until predetor gets hungry, prey is perfectly fine. Predetor doesn't kill just for the hell of it, like humans do. Now look at humans. Bears run away from us when we're in the woods. Birds fly away to the tree tops where they can't be reached, and sometimes farther than that. Other species do not approach us unless they've been "domesticated" beforehand. Why do you think this is? Humans have a horrible tendency to kill for the hell of it. Just for "sport", and mount the heads of their kill on their walls to look at and boast over. Or they round up an entire herd of whatever animal it is they want to "own", and pen them in to kill at liesure. Or they gather up exotic animals and keep them in cages or tanks to gawk at. They capture whales and sea lions and then train them to perform for our entertainment. They keep them in small areas which aren't nearly large enough for them to be happy, because these creatures need the entire ocean. I don't care how big the tank is that you build, you're not going to keep a whale happy in it. Why is it that humans do this? Why do they feel such a desire to own and dominate everything? Did you know that there are people out there working on ways to control the weather? The friggin weather for crying out loud! Needless to say, they haven't gotten very far. Again, I ask, WHY? Why do people hate each other, hate other species, hate the weather? What makes humans so great? Why the need to dominate and control? Don't people see the horror of what they're donig? No. Of course they don't. They don't want to. They're stupid creatures. They really believe that the world was made for them to destroy. They really believe the world is their playtoy. I wouldn't be surprised if people think it can be replaced, like any other playtoy. Just something that they can break at will and mommy and daddy will buy them a new one. People need to wake up and smell the coffee, becuase this world is irreplacable. They're going to destroy it and in doing so, destroy themselves. Not that it would be such a horrible thing if humans weren't around anymore. Niki ran away at 03:08 p.m. Sunday, April 4, 2004 Snoot: I'd rather pick my ass, at least shit don't come outta there. Niki ran away at 02:43 p.m. Friday, April 2, 2004 Matt called me today on his lunch break. He had a psychological exam due to the process of applying for conscienscious objector. The psychologist told him to describe what has been happening so far, and Matt gave him a run-down of his beliefs and when and why the developed and a background of his religion. The psychologist told him he'd write a letter to his commander recommending a discharge. The thing is, the psychologist isn't supposed to give an opinion regarding discharge. No opinion whatsoever. Also, the psychologist is supposed to file the paperwork with the MPF or MTF or whatever the hell three-letter acronym goes along with the guys who handle paperwork. The psychologist is sending the letter to the commander, not the three letter acronym. This has led Matt and I to believe that he will wind up with an administrative discharge instead of a conscienscious objector discharge, and the administrative doesn't take nearly as long as conscienscious objector. Basically, it's a convenience to the government discharge. He's been causing problems for the government and they want to be rid of him. Simple as that. This could happen as early as Monday, but I think it might take a little longer than that. But in any case, it's almost certain that he's coming home this month. I had a feeling he would be home this month, and I told him as much. Of course, he didn't want to get his hopes up. I don't usually like to get my hopes up, but I knew without a doubt that he would be coming home this April. Now it's looking like that will be the case, and I can't wait. It's going to be so wonderful to have him home. I know he's coming home, I just know it. In other news, Laura came down to Gram's today to try her dress on. It fits her perfectly, it's so gorgeous. I can't wait for the wedding now, everyone is going to look so wonderful and it's going to be so happy. It's going to be a wonderful day. That dress was gorgeous on her though, just beautiful. It couldn't look better on anyone else. Lowell thinks Matt should wear purple pink and white plaid for the wedding. I think not. That's about it though. There hasn't been much else happening. Besides the issue of where Matt and I are going to live. We're thinking that with mortgage rates as low as they are, we might better afford a house than an apartment. We have to look into it though, find out what our options are. Niki ran away at 04:20 p.m.