BrightEyes03 . . V 1.0 . . Goddess of the Tides

~~Wednesday, October 1, 2003~~

"Facts are chains that bind perception and fetter truth, for a person can remake the world if they have a dream and no facts to cloud their minds."

Don't mind me, Matt couldn't remember his senior quote, and I just found it in Tom's yearbook from last year, had to write it down so I could remember it.

Niki drifted away @ 09:20 a.m.

~~Tuesday, September 30, 2003~~

I need a topic for my thesis!

I have no idea what I'm going to do for my thesis right now. Jared's idea is good.... but it's his idea and I can't do it. And I can't do Matt's, that wouldn't look good. And everything else I can think of has been done to death, and we can't do those. This sucks. To say the least.

I need a vacation. Already. I know I really shouldn't complain a whole lot, others have got it worse off. But still, I'm in a bitchy mood and I'm gonig to bitch god-damnit.

Okay, I should go now, and brainstorm up an idea or 50.

Niki drifted away @ 04:24 p.m.

~~Saturday, September 27, 2003~~

Holy shit. I just got an email from Tristen:

does anyone remember tristen? from high school? cuz i was wondering about all of you. bye mwahahaha

Damn. I haven't heard of him, heard from him, or seen him in over a year. I think the last time I saw him, Alex, Julie and I were at the fair. And he threatened to put me in a garbage can again.

Damn. I wonder what he's up to? That sure surprised the fuck out of me. I just went to my inbox, and his name was right there in bold.... I had to read it about 5 times to get it through my head that he didn't fall off the face of the earth.

*blink*

Anywho...

I had to cook today. I hate cooking. We're doing this greek culture appreciation thing in English. My group got food. Which is fun, I like food. Food tastes good, and it's fun to eat. But cooking... I don't like cooking. I almost cut my hand off cutting up potatoes today. John did cut his finger. Laura and I dressed up as Nymphs... if I spelled that right. Serenity was some greek person... thing. She was wearing a pink toga o.O. John was our god. We put him in a toga too. We made a video which we're sharing with the class. It should be interesting. Hence the dressing up. We have to go back to Margaret's tomorrow and cook more food. Meh. I hate cooking. Oh well, it has to be done, I guess.

Well, I'm off to go.... I dunno. Stuff.

Niki drifted away @ 09:11 p.m.

~~Tuesday, September 23, 2003~~

Today was.... really crappy, actually. Yesterday was Tuesday, today's the Monday. God, I hope Friday comes soon.

Mom and I were supposed to go shopping yesterday, as I've already said. But with Fi's dad passing on, it was better that we went to her.

So we were going to go today. Guess what we didn't do? Shopping, that's right. Because she didn't "feel like it". It wasn't that she felt sick, it wasn't that she was so tired she couldn't move, that I could understand. It's because she didn't "feel like it".

I know I'm just wallowing in self-pity right now, and that other people have it much worse off than I do. But if you don't like it, don't read it. Fuck you.

I'm sick to fucking Death of taking the backseat to the computer in mom's life right now. For years it seems like she's never wanted to do anything with me, not anything that I want to do anyway. She's wanted to do things, and asked me to join her, and I really didn't want to, or "feel like it", but I did it anyway. Just so I could spend some time with her. And whenever I tried to talk to her about it, she just ignored me. I'd stop talking, expecting a response, and just... nothing. She just sat there and kept right on playing her little computer game, smoking her cigarette, with her back to me, ignoring me.

I could understand if she was really really tired, to the point where she's ready to drop dead. But just because she doesn't "feel like it", doesn't mean she can't spare One fucking hour to do something with me. That's all I want. Just for her to actually show me that she cares.

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel like I'm home when I'm here anymore. Sure, I sleep here every night, all my things are here, it's where I've spent the last 8 years of my life. But it's not home. Grandma's house is home. Matt's parents' house feels more like home than here does. I just don't feel cared for here. I feel like the old dog that nobody thinks will live for one or two more days, and they just don't feel like taking me to the vet to put me to sleep. Or the rag-doll that got tossed in the corner and forgotten during the last spring-cleaning.

Well... I think I'm done wallowing for now. I'm going to go take a shower. Since mom and dad's laundry is more important than letting me have water for a shower the past day or two.

Yeah that's another thing. We can't take showers everyday in this house because of the water pump. The pump is like a 14 year old work-horse with one leg. Worthless. So we can only do so many things with the water in a day. Well, last night, dad needed a shower. So I didn't get to take one. And I can't take one in the morning, because mom does. And god forbid she not get her morning shower, you'd think Satan himself were asking for a shower in our house. And the day before that, mom did laundry and dishes. And I think dad had a shower, too. So I haven't bathed since Saturday, and I feel like a complete scum-bag. And I've been wearing dirty clothes, because with them using all the water, I can't do my own laundry. So yes, I'm an official C-town scum-bag. I just hope it doesn't get to the point where I can only take one weekly shower, like so many people joke about.

Niki drifted away @ 07:33 p.m.

~~Monday, September 22, 2003~~

Well today turned out much different than I thought it would this morning. Lau and I were planning on going shopping for homecoming dresses. Sounds preppy, I know, but I don't give a flying fuck. So I thought we'd do that, and I'd come home, do my homework, and spend the late evening hours talking to Matt about my lovely day.

Not how it went at all. I don't know if it was good or bad. It was both O.o

During French class, I had to go out in the hall while they went over the test they took Friday, when I was talking to the guidance councelor. I would have made it up after school Friday, but friggin Isabel... which was nothing when she got here.

Ingrid walked by while I was sitting there trying not to sleep. She asked me "you know you got flowers right?", to which I replied "huh?". She told me that while her and the rest of the housing class was on its way back inside, meme's floral was delivering flowers to the office. They asked who they were for, and they were for me. When I went to the office after I made up the French test, all the secretaries were dying to know what was written in the card. They were from Matt, for our ten month anniversary, ten red roses, one for each month we've been together. There was a little leo lion stuffed animal with them, too. I think that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me ^.^

And in other news, Lau and I didn't wind up going shopping today, either. It turns out that a friend of mine was going to a wake for her father. Felicia from dance class, I've known her for years and years. The majority of my life. So mom and I went up to Luzerne to see how she was holding up, offer our support. She seems to be doing fairly well, considering her father just passed on. She's trying to have her old Fi humor, but she was crying through her smiles. It's so sad when someone passes on, I almost started crying myself, and I'd never met her father. It's just heartbreaking, the sorrow that's pouring off of people in waves. But death is a part of life, we must accept it. If nobody died, we'd have no earth right now, it'd be too crowded. It already is too crowded.

People bother me. In gym class today, some girl was smacking a catterpillar around with her field hockey stick. Granted, it's just a catterpillar, but it's still a living creature, and it deserves the respect any other creature deserves. >.< I could have kicked her. I wanted to kick her. Ugh. People just... suck. Poor little catterpillar. Poor every creature on earth. People are just cruel heartless beings, why do they have to torture other species the way they do? Look at the mouse they grew a human ear on. Granted, it's good technology, but if I were a mouse I wouldn't want a human ear growing on my back. Would you? How 'bout we just grow elephant ears on random peoples' backs, see how they like it.

I think I'm done now.

So, yes. That was my day. I'm gonig to go... look for greek food.

Niki drifted away @ 08:14 p.m.

~~Sunday, September 21, 2003~~

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When i get big, fat, and juicy they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!

Niki drifted away @ 09:45 p.m.

~~Friday, September 19, 2003~~

There is a very odd little hoppy spider on the desk.

Niki drifted away @ 06:54 p.m.

~~Friday, September 19, 2003~~

Fuck fuck fuck a duck,
Screw a kangaroo,
Gang bang an orangatang,
Orgy at the zoo!

Niki drifted away @ 05:36 p.m.

~~Wednesday, September 17, 2003~~

Wow I hate writing essays. I just had to write our literacy essay for english class. It's due tomorrow. Of ocurse, they assigned it last week, and I just got around to doing it today. But that's me, miss procrastination. Reminds me of one of my favorite Garfield quotes: "I'll procrastinate tomorrow."

Oh well, the essay wasn't so bad. I wrote it about dance, obviously. I almost chose band, but I decided that dance was and still is a much bigger part of my life. Dance is where my loyalties lie when it comes to any type of class.

Relationships on the other hand... well that's just obvious.

Anywho, I'm off, to see if anyone PM'd me back on TCS. And I've just run out of things to say in general. Meh. Ain't boring lives wonderful?

Niki drifted away @ 06:50 p.m.

~~Wednesday, September 17, 2003~~

I'm in the computer lab right now, completely bored. I'm supposed to find graphics for our newsletter, but I dont' feel like it.

Well.... that's all I have time for now, I have to go to my next class in like, two minutes o.O

Niki drifted away @ 09:09 a.m.

~~Tuesday, September 16, 2003~~

Blah. I was home sick today. I hate staying home sick, I just feel useless. But healing time was necessary, meh.

I woke up around 3:30/4:00 this morning feeling like I was going to throw up. The feeling stayed with me until about mom's lunch break, then I started feeling a little better. She took my temperature this morning, it was below normal. I feel fine now though. It must have been something I ate yesterday.

I watched Bambi this afternoon. I've had an urge to watch it, finally found time. And all it did was remind me how much I hate humans as a group. One or two isn't bad, but when you get a whole bunch of them, they suck. They had to go and be stupid and let their little camp-fire ruin Bambi's home. They killed Bambi's mother. They're just mean and cruel. It really reminded me how animals see us. We have become controlers, instead of part of the whole.

A lion may sleep near a herd of antelope, and there is no trouble until the lion is hungry. Different animal species may live side by side, without bothering each other. Except humans. Humans have a tendency to kill other creatures out of sport. The other creatures are wise to this, and so they run away when we approach. They have learned through many hundreds of years that humans can't be trusted.

Man has too great a desire to control, man does not want to be part of the whole. Man thinks and acts as if he is god. I use the word 'man' instead of 'people' because men started the whole thing. Not to say some women don't take part, but generally women provide balance and harmony. Women are nurturers.

I'm not trying to be sexist here, it's just the way it is. I'm not trying to blame the world's problems on men, I'm just saying that this is what is. Women play a role in it as well.

I dunno... I really don't like humanity as a whole. But I do at the same time, you can learn a lot from them if you just watch.

Maybe I shouldn't watch disney movies anymore.

Niki drifted away @ 05:45 p.m.

~~Monday, September 15, 2003~~

Okay, senior quotes. I'm debating between two of them, both from Bilbo Baggins (even though LOTR is such a fad, but oh well):

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve"

Or

"It's a dangerous business, walking out your door. If you don't keep your fee, you don't know where you could be swept off to"

Comments? Suggestions? Anyone? Even though only 2 people actually read this... *shrug*

Unfortunately, I don't think I have room enough for both of them. It'd be nice if I could. In any case, any feedback would be much appreciated

God... I sound like some kind of cheesy commercial o.O

Niki drifted away @ 09:27 p.m.

~~Saturday, September 13, 2003~~

School reallly sucks ass... to say the least.

It's not too terrible. Better than I thought it would be. I don't have nearly as much homework at night as I thought I would. I don't have much time for the internet though, which sucks. I come home and do what little homework I have, sit and read a little, usually fall asleep. Then I talk to Matt for a few hours when he calls at night. Then I go to bed. So it looks like the only real internet time I'll have is on the weekends.

There's some really annoying freshman in band this year. He's constantly saying things like "uh excuse me Mrs Cutler? According to the rules, she should have retraining after school because she came in late." and such. And he stands in front of the door and tells us we're late and we need to get in the room. He's got this big stick up his ass that needs to be removed. The other day I was really pissy, and I told him he needed to get over his delusions of grandeur. If I spelled that right. In any case, he hasn't done anything like that since... but it's only been like a day. We'll see.

The school is over-run with preppy bitches. I think there's only one person in the freshman class that isn't obsessed with the color pink, fluffy things, hot guys (or girls), and popularity. He sits with us at lunch. There aren't any people with attitude anymore... they're all just... stupid. Blah. I can't wait for January.

I went to my cousin's wedding today. It was... interesting. Well, the reception was. The actual ceremony itself was really really short. Maybe 2 or 3 minutes long. Maybe. But yeah, the reception was interesting. Aunt Sally (I think that's her name) got drunk off one glass of champagne and was dancing on the picnic table bench. Snoot was drinking again, and shoved up Jodie's ass, who was also drinking. She was hitting on the 14 year olds too. I just kind of hung out around mom. I had a dream a long time ago, I can't remember when, about being in that exact place. The scenery matched perfectly. And in my dream, I had taken a walk with some guy, but I can't remember what he looks like. Anyway, it started raining in my dream, and we ran for the nearest cover, which was some bathroom. Then he tried to rape me. Yeah... I didn't talk to many guys tonight. I doubt if that would have happened, but better safe than sorry.

Mom and I had to take Trixy to the emergency vet last night. She hasn't been eating well, but we thought she just had a little upset stomach or something, and that it would go away soon. Well, yesterday when we got home, she had this real long line of drool hanging from her mouth. She never drools. We let her out to pee, and when we brought her back in later, we saw one of her eyes was all bulged out of her head, and it looked all red and meaty. Dad tried to look in her mouth, to see if there was something in there that was making her not eat, but she yelped when he tried to open her mouth. He didn't put that much pressure on it. We also noticed a really horrid smell coming from her, a rotten flesh smell. So we took her down to the emergency vet. It turned out to be an absess behind her eye (forgive the horrible spelling). So they took her over night, put her under anesthesia and all that. Took care of the absess. We've got to give her medication 3 times a day, put ointment in her eye 3 times a day, and hold a warm compress on it twice a day. She should be fine in a few weeks. Hopefully she'll be able to eat solid food soon. She's going to lose a lot of weight before she can eat again though, it just hurts her too much to eat.

I've got to figure out what I want my senior quote to be, and send that in.

Well I'm going to go and surf around the internet for a while.

Niki drifted away @ 07:59 p.m.

~~Tuesday, September 9, 2003~~

TCS needs to stop being gay and actually load before I fall asleep.

Wait... didn't I say I was going to bed? Maybe I should do that....

Niki drifted away @ 12:45 a.m.

~~Tuesday, September 9, 2003~~

Woah, I've only got 3 entries and the page is already long... does that mean I type too much?

Niki drifted away @ 12:41 a.m.

~~Tuesday, September 9, 2003~~

I'm back!

We flew back in from San Antonio Sunday night. Plane landed around 9 PM, actually on time for once.

Plane rides are interesting. It was my first time ever on a plane. Taking off from Albany was a little nerve-wracking. The first plane I set foot on, and it had technical difficulties. Basically, a drop of water got in somewhere, and it wouldn't start. One drop of water... real nice eh? I got really dizzy at take-off, too, I dunno why. I was just really dizzy, everything was spinning, and I couldn't hear anything. Once we got up though, I was fine.

I just realized how obscene that could sound O.o

We went to the San Antonio zoo Wednesday, and got stuck in the treetop lookout in a rain storm. Then I had to use the bathroom, and the rain wasn't letting up, so we all got soaked anyway. Damn bladder. Not like I really cared, it was really hot down there. Temperatures in the 90's, and they were calling it a "fall day" o.o

Thursday kind of sucked. No, it really sucked. We got to see Matt, but only for an hour. Aparantly some guys in his flight decided to smuggle cameras into their sister flight's dorm and try to take pictures of the females. So Matt's entire flight was restricted to one hour each day but Saturday, on which they were to have four hours. But (isn't there always a but?) Two of the guys in Matt's flight were brothers, and their mother is a major there at Lackland. She was pissed. Very pissed. Basically she ripped a new asshole for the head MTI, and Matt's flight got all their priveleges back.

*blink* I just got a free porn popup. Odd'ness

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, that day. There was supposed to be retreat that day. Retreat is where they all go out to the patio, and the flag is lowered while they play some patriotic song. Then we get to go find our airman and take him away for a while. It was canceled due to thunder within 5 nautical miles. I'm not sure how far away that is, but I sound smart saying it don't I? So they shoved us all in the reception center while the trainees, airmen, whatever they were considered as that day had to go over to some other building for cover. They filled the briefing room with people, and the overflow room upstairs. Then they told the overflow room it was alright to go, but not us. So we just sat around like a bunch of fools in a huge crowded room, twiddling our thumbs. The lightning wasn't the reason they canceled it. They decided they were going to do this whole thing, and photograph us just to study our reaction. Matt's dad found this out from someone in special ops. They're now psychoanalyzing everyone that was there that day (763 families worth of people... that's a lot) just to see how crowds react under stress. I woulnd't be surprised if the whole deal with Matt's flight wasn't just some other experiment. Though his TI was one miserable SOB, so I dunno 'bout that.

So yeah, Thursday sucked. I skipped dinner that night, and sat in the room and cried. When everyone got back from dinner, Jay sat in with me, and we just talked a bit. He brought me chocolate muffin things and a big cup of hot chocolate, and a feather that he found, to cheer me up. He's a sweetheart when he wants to be. Sometimes I think he has a crush on me. It wouldn't surprise me, the way he acts around me and all. *shrug* oh well, I'm with Matt, he knows that. Nothing will tear me away from him.

Friday was a good day. The graduation ceremony was awesome. There were 763 graduates, a fairly large class they said. They had a huge drum and bugle chor, I'd say somewhere around 100 people, probably more. Matt's flight alone had 54 guys. It was quite the sight to see them all marching up to the field in formation, perfectly lined up, all on the same foot, arms swinging proudly. They had some military music playing, too, over the speakers. The drum chor played a bit too, they were good. One of the songs they played on the speakers was one we played in band, "National Emblem". I had fun, sitting there singing and whistling the flute part, and conducting the speakers O.o. It was so awesome. It was hell getting to Matt though, with all those families trying to get off the bleachers ahead of me... I almost jumped over the guard rail. But that would have gotten Matt in trouble, so I didn't. They aren't allowed to move out of formation until they're "claimed", they treat them like luggage down there. But I cut ahead through the crowd well enough and got to him. That's when I found out about the major tearing that TI a new ass, and them getting their priveleges back.

Saturday was equally awesome, if not more so. That day we got to actually take Matt off the base. We took him back to the room, and he proceded to take up a half hour in the bathroom. He hadn't had a descent amount of privacy in 6 1/2 weeks, so I think he enjoyed being able to sit on the crapper without someone yelling at him. He took a nice long shower, too. He was glad to shower alone instead of with 53 other guys. We didn't get much time to ourselves, there was a lot his mom wanted to do. I think she's starting to get a little upset that this other woman has come into her son's life... moms are usually like that. Of course, what little time we did have, I cried. I was too happy to see him, I couldn't hold it back any more. So I just sat there clinging to him and crying, with him clinging back to me... I don't know if he started crying or not. I don't think so. We went to the riverwalk, where Matt and I found a purple store. Everything in there was purple (matches my bedroom ^.^). He bought me a purple teddy bear that's wearing a white hooded sweatshirt. The sweatshirt says "purple makes life bearable" with a little picture of a purple bear on it. It's so cute. It's now yet another night-time huggy thing. I've got too many huggy things... I'm running out of arms to hug 'em all with.

Same things goes for my necklaces. I've got 4 now, and Matt gave them all to me. So I'm not going to take them off. Friday he gave me an air force one (of course). But it's really pretty. It looks like the top of the air force rings that they can get when they graduate boot. Matt doesn't have one though, they sized him wrong. So he has to wait for them to get a new one for him.

Sunday was pretty hard. We got up and went to the base to spend a few hours with him before we left to catch our flight. We only had 2 hours before we had to leave. But it turns out for the good, he had to pack for tech, and pick up some things at the BX that he needed for tech. So after our 2 hours, we dropped him and Ingles off at the BX, and had to say good-bye. I didn't cry too much, just a little. I sent him off this time with smiles instead of tears. Because this time I know he'll be fine. We've gotten through the hard part, tech is going to be much easier. I've gotten to talk to him 3 times since we left yesterday, so that's good. He called Sunday night from the boot dorms, which he shouldn't have done. If he had been caught, they'd have recycled him. But Sunday wasn't all bad. We wandered off for a half hour, just so we could have a private conversation. Since the only alone time we'd had was spent all emotional-like, not much talking involved. It's nice to be able to talk to him for once.

I got patted down at the San Antonio airport before we left. I set off the metal detector because of a combination of all my necklaces, the buckles on my sandals, the button on my jeans, and the underwire in my bra. So they had to wand me. They put me in their little strapped off coral thing, and got some lady working there to wand me down. It was cool! LoL, I think I'm the only person in the world that thinks getting wanded is cool o.o

Anyway, that does it for my trip. I'd write about the first day back to school... but I'm tired. And I've still got an assignment for economics to do. But yes, I'm back! And I'm going now. Leave me lots of pretty notes telling me how great I am and how much you missed me o.O

Bye now!

Niki drifted away @ 12:02 a.m.

~~Monday, September 1, 2003~~

Well, my plane leaves for Texas in about 10 hours and 10 minutes. We leave here in 7 hours and 10 minutes. Of course, by that time, I doubt if I'll have gone to bed yet. I don't think I will tonight, unless my insomnia magically disappears.

I've got my bag all packed, except for my toothbrush and toothpaste (I'll need those, morning breath, yick), and my pajamas, because I'm wearing them.

I'm really looking forward to this trip. It's got many new experiences for me. First time on an airplane, first time farther south than Pennsylvenia, and first time seeing Matt as an Airman in his dress blues.

I've been looking forward to this trip for a long time, it's hard to believe it's actually here. I never thought it would get here, time was just dragging by, inch by inch. And now it's here. It's so hard to believe. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight, I'm too excited. Not that I can ever sleep, but oh well. Hopefully I'll be able to get back on schedule with the rest of the world by the time I have to go to school Monday.

My knee still hurts. I took the gauze pad off of it, which was a good thing. It was stuck right to the scrape, because I was stupid and forgot to change the gauze.

Wow... Richard's talking to me. I met him in a chat room years ago, he's from India. I don't know how to spell his name, or even pronounce it, so he told me to call him Richard. I haven't talked to him in... well... years. He's oddly not like most of the people from India you meet in chat rooms. The ones that want to know your bra size, and if you want to marry them. We just talk like any two friends, which is why I kept in contact with him. He's a really nice guy. The kind of guy that would be your big brother if you lived on the same continent and beat up the guys that break your heart for you.

In any case, I'm going to be off now. I'll see you all when I get back from Texas (not like many people read this, but still). I won't have computer access while I'm gone, so this will be my last entry until the 7th... or the 8th. Depending on how tired I am. Have fun while I'm gone, don't miss me. You probably won't, but it's expected to be said at good-byes. So have fun everyone, I'll miss you all. Have fun, I know I will! ^.^

Niki drifted away @ 09:48 p.m.

~~Monday, September 1, 2003~~

Archived, 'twas getting too long.

Niki drifted away @ 03:08 p.m.

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