Monday, November 29, 2004

Well, this is it. The moment I've been trying to prepare myself for for the past three years or so. The moment, when I have to say goodbye. And I'm not even there.

And in a way, I'm glad I'm not. Because I don't have to watch it. The pain, suffering, trying to hold on. I knew she'd do it. She'd never give up without fighting her damndest.

But, I still wish I could be there. Even though it would be a million times harder, I wish I could be there to comfort her.

Though, maybe she doesn't need comfort. I'm sure she's known her time for quite a while. Maybe it's not even her time, lord knows she's pulled through a lot of situations where she should have died. Maybe I'm being too optimistic. Maybe I'm setting myself up for heartbreak in the near future. Maybe she's already gone and I don't know it.

No, I'd know it. She's not gone yet. She's still hanging on, fighting it. Fighting because I told her to.

If I hadn't been selfish, she'd have let go by now. She wouldn't be hanging on, desperately trying to wait for me.

No, I can't blame myself for it. It's her time, we both know that. We all know that. But she's still trying.

Part of me wishes she'd give it up. Let go, before she's put down. I hate the thought of some stranger, someone she doesn't know, sticking a needle in her. That stranger being the last person she sees. I want her to let go in a familiar place. I don't want that cold steel table, the hard syringe, the cruel fluids.

But at the same time, I don't want her to suffer. She deserves release.

I don't know what to think. One minute, I'm torn, devastated. The next, I'm calm, collected. It's waves of emotion, washing repeatedly over my body. Just when I get it under control, it comes again.

Maybe it's all a lesson. For me to learn to control my sorrow. After all, what does it do for me? Not much. Stuffs up my sinuses, makes my eyes itch, drains my energy. Nothing incredibly possitive.

I should learn to take heart knowing that even though she's leaving, she's not leaving me. She'll always be around. I'm sure I'll see her again, after she's gone. Her spirit will follow me, of that I'm quite sure.

I've known for a while. Before I left, I told her to hang on, that I was coming back for her. Perhaps I shouldn't have, because she's suffering now. But what's done is done. I knew, when I said goodbye to her, that I'd never see her physical form again. So why did I bother? Why did I beg her to hold on for me? That I don't know. Denial, perhaps? I don't know.

The past few nights, I've known something was wrong with her. The phone call today just confirmed it. Mom said she can't use her back legs well. When she tries, she falls over. She's having trouble breathing. Maybe it was some kind of stroke? Who knows. Does it matter? No. All that matters is she's leaving.

Did she hear me, the past two nights? Did she hear me tell her not to hang on for my sake? Did she hear me say to let go, if it was her wish? Maybe. Most likely. Or was it a coincidence? I don't think so. That explanation, though most rational, simly doesn't feel right.

My biggest regret right now is that I can't be there physically for her. I can't stroke her fur, I can't watch her draw her last breath. That might sound sadistic of me, but I do wish to witness the sinister beauty of it. Perhaps, through watching it, being there, I could gain more understanding. Perhaps it would tear me in half, turn me inside out. She was a huge part of my life.

She still will be.

Maybe I'll go there tonight, in my sleep. I'll go and be with her. I'll love her in her final moments. Hopefully she'll know I'm there. No, not hopefully. She will know.

She's had a good life. She's been happy with us. I just hope she'll continue to be so where she's going. She's so much more than just a cat, she's my sister. Not was, as if she isn't anymore, but is. She always will be. She's the first true friend I found, and I was lucky to have found her so young, to have grown up in her presence.

My hope is that my family will do something honorable with her body. That they will not simply toss her out in the snowbank, only to decay and be eaten by whatever scavengers find her in the nasty foul cold. I wish for her body to be laid to rest within the earth. I realize though, that this might not be possible. It's cold now, the ground is frozen. And I've never heard of preserving a cat to be buried after the spring thaw.

Do I sound crazy? Perhaps I do to most people. But who are they to tell me my mental state of mind? It's simple, they can't. But I'm not about to erase all this. It would be false if I did. So it stays. I want anyone who reads this to realize that Tootsie is not "just a cat". She's so much more, so much that I can't describe. Nothing I can say can do her justice.

So this is just one of many tributes to her memory. While I walk this earth, she is not to be forgotten by those who knew her.

Maybe I'm too attached? Too obsessed? I don't know. All I know is that I love her dearly. I'll never forget her.

Niki ran away at 11:49 p.m.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

This is friggin awesome! GO PENGUINS GO!

Niki ran away at 01:15 p.m.

Monday, November 22, 2004

My one issue is:

People who celebrate Christmas without knowing where the traditions stemmed from, and complain about other people celebrating it.

Technically, time started when Jesus was born, right? Why don't we celebrate New Year's on December 25th, if that's his birthday? I mean, did it just take a few days for word to get out that they could start counting time? Besides, I believe that back in those days, new year's was celebrated on April 1st. At least it was in Europe, and that's where the whole April Fools thing started. That's another story though.

Most of the traditions of Christmas came from the Pagan holiday of Yule. The decorating of the tree, caroling, and the most obvious Yule log. The holiday was stolen, given a new meaning, and celebrated just a few days after Yule (December 20/21) so that it would be easy to remember when to celebrate it. The original Christians were converting the "evil Pagans", and that's where the "original" Christmas traditions came from.

Easter is the same, taken from the Pagan holiday Ostara, which is celebrated March 21. Noticing a pattern here?

Now I'm not trying to say I hate people celebrating these holidays. By all rights, celebrate what you believe in. But take the time to recognize where the traditions came from before you go off spouting that you're upset people celebrate it without knowing the real reason for celebration. They were stolen (or adopted, taken, whichever you prefer to describe it as, it's all the same) from Pagan holidays which existed long before people even dreamed of Judaism, let alone Christianity.

Niki ran away at 12:23 p.m.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

I didn't know Dolce & Gabbana made men's briefs o.O

Niki ran away at 06:04 p.m.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

My Christmas Wish List *drools*

I already have the mug warmer set, though.

Niki ran away at 03:56 p.m.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Now here's an interesting article. The only way I can read it is if I open it in Paint, someone scanned it and posted it on a message board.

Niki ran away at 01:58 a.m.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

I GOT A GUITAR!

I just got a guitar off E-bay for $34.95, and that includes shipping and all that shiznit!

I technically won it with a bid of $.01.. which almost makes you wonder what's wrong with it. But it's from some store that must have had some overstock and had to get rid of it.

It's awesome. It's blue, and it came with a free tuner, strap, carry bag, extra strings and pic. It's friggin awesome.

This weekend, Matt and I are going to go down to the guitar store place and pick up a lesson book so I can start learning what the hell to do with the damn thing. Then when I start learning enough, I'm going to teach Matt. He wants an electric guitar, but we both decided that it would be best to get just one, and see if he likes it or not before we invest in one. Electric guitars are expensive as all shit.

God, this makes me so happy. I've been wanting a guitar for so long. Years. I just love how they sound, acoustic ones that is. I like the electric guitar and all, they're cool, but the acoustic ones sound so much richer.

When I get good enough, I am so getting like everyone's acoustic album and learning them all.

Well, I'd sit here and continue to rave about my guitar'ness, which I won't have for a few weeks, but Matt's getting pie ready, and it's apple. Apple Pie good'ness.

Niki ran away at 07:26 p.m.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Why is it that spammers feel the need to send me, a female, e-mails about penis enlargment? What is it about the name "Nicole" that says "male" to them? Do they honestly think I'm interested in penis enlargment? What, they think that the fact I don't have a penis means I need to make it bigger?

This kind of spamming crap really pisses me off. These people need to run their spam through a filtering system that takes the names of females out of their little "send to" line, because us women really don't need to enlarge our penises.

SPAMMING CRAP!

Niki ran away at 12:52 p.m.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Yay for me! I'm smart!

I've been reading HTML 4 for Dummies, and I think I learned something. Of course, it took me all day to do this, but it's here.

I have to admit, I left some things that Laura did alone. Like the comments, for example. So not all of it is original work.

I still have a lot of learning to do, and this is really crappy compared to what's out there. But I'm proud of my first successful page layout, damnit.

Yay'ness ^.^

Niki ran away at 10:28 p.m.

Friday, November 5, 2004

Well, here I am. The insomniac's at it again. Or rather, the insomnia is at it again. I can't get a friggin wink of sleep at all.

Of course, that might have something to do with the fact I slept past noon today, but pfft.

There's nothing to do. I'm in the middle of a friggin city and there's nothing to do. Well, there is, but you have to be 21 to do them all.

Although, I won't be complaining tomorrow night. Matt and I are going to see Kittie ^.^ It should be fun. The show doesn't end until 1 in the morning I think. That place is going to be packed, too. We have to get there early, because even though we already have tickets, if the place fills up before we get there, we don't get in. They pretty much pack as many people as they can standing in one building and try to close the doors. So until it starts to thin out a bit, it's going to be pretty cramped.

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Need. Fucking. Sleep.

See this is what I get for sleeping until after noon and drinking two cups of coffee.

That's it, I'm going to play solitaire until I get bored to sleep.

Niki ran away at 12:52 a.m.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Well this is fucking cute. They just cancelled our car insurance, effective in December. We got royally screwed.

Aparantly if you're under a certain age, you have to have a certain insurance policy in Colorado. Assigned Risk, I believe. When Matt bought the insurance, they failed to tell him this, and they just randomly cancelled his insurance.

The only reason they did this was because he wouldn't have bought the car if they'd have told him the truth, because the truth is he's going to have to pay a phenonemally huge monthly insurance bill.

I love it, if it's not the government screwing us, it's the civilians

Niki ran away at 05:57 p.m.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Well, Bush won. We all knew it would happen, but the race was so close, we could hope it went the other way. The war monger will remain in power. The Senate and the House are both Republican-dominated. Most Governors are Republican. It is officially a Republican nation. I'm not sure if it's ever happened this way in the past, I believe Democrats have had power over at least one government house.

I believe that the draft will eventually be re-enstated, even if they said they'd never do that. Politicians always lie to get the votes.

I hope there will be another election. I honestly think in the next four years, Bush will do away with elections and terms and limitations. He'll do anything to keep control over this nation indefinitely. I really think he's trying for world domination.

Anyone with me for Canada? Actually, no, that's too close. Japan then? We can all learn computer programing and Japanese (Laura we need your help!).

Five-year plan:

• Get Matt out of military (still waiting on that call)
• Learn Japanese
• Master computer programming
• Land jobs with Japanese computer company
• Move to Japan and ultimately be happy

Honestly, by the time Bush is done with this nation, I think we'll be a third-world nation. Japan will outsource to us. American citizens will get paid $20 a week for the jobs they're now getting $20 an hour for. When Bush took office, he started us into a nose-dive. It's only a matter of time before we crash and burn.

Hope you all like the desert.

Niki ran away at 12:12 p.m.

Monday, November 1, 2004

I really wanna come back to New York. There's actually some descent TV in New York. All we can find out here are Christian sermons and Conservative speeches.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Christians or Conservatives. But don't preach to me on every single one of the cable TV channels I pay for! Is there really a need for so many channels? One is sufficient. One I could handle. But when EVERY OTHER FRIGGIN CHANNEL is the same damn thing, it gets a little old.

My god, if there was even one existing Pagan TV channel, the whole nation would throw a tissy fit! Dan Rather would be talking about it! But it's A-OK to have 20 Christian channels on the regular cable. Not even the digital cable, the standard cheap cable that everyone has.

Damnit, that's it. I want my own channel. When I'm rich and famous, I'm going to buy my own TV channel and bring some Paganism to cable.

And not any of that "spell a day" crap either. Damn 12 year olds running around messing with a bunch of crap they know nothing about just to rebel against their overbearing parents who aren't really all that overbearing the 12 year olds just say they are so they can rebel and be cool. Well I got news for them. YOU'RE NOT COOL! You never were cool, and you'll never be cool. Your parents are not overbearing, you're just saying that so you can justify your playing around with a bunch of powers you don't understand and ultimately conjuring up a demon that will swiftly run rampage upon the earth, immediately after consuming your soul. All because you thought it'd be cool to call up some spirit to play tricks on your enemies, and it backfired in your face.

Dear lord I've been watching too much Foamy.

You shall all taste my squirrley wrath!

Niki ran away at 08:09 p.m.