Friday, August 22, 2003
I just found the lyrics to a really good song. It's kind of a tribute to the first boy I thought I loved. Granted, it's Christina Aguilera, but it's still a good song. It's called Fighter
When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm
After all fo the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh
After all fo the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of you torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighterNiki drifted away @ 11:18 p.m.
Friday, August 22, 2003
Well, I just got back from camp today. I'm ready to go back up again. As soon as I got home, I just felt trapped. Home just doesn't feel... homey. It just feels like a prison. Especially after being up at camp, where I can roam around wherever I want, and get away from the confines of society. Here, if I walk outside to try to enjoy nature, all I hear is the cars whizzing by on 9N. And of course, about the only thing to do here is sit on the computer, or watch TV. I hate TV more than I hate the cars on 9N. So I'll sit around on the computer, at least I can interact with people.
Well I had a good time at camp. I had a lot of time to myself to think and meditate. I got a descent night's sleep the first night, the next two were hell as usual. But at least there was that one night. The sky is so gorgeous up there at night. There's no ambivalent light to obstruct the view of the stars. I could actually see the milky way with no problems. I haven't seen that in years. And there it was, clear as day, right above me when I was coming back from the mailbox. (I had to put letters for Matt in the mail at night because I sleep past when the mail gets up there). There were so many stars out, I didn't know where to look first! Usually, I have to struggle to see them because of the neighbor's outside light. But up at camp, the stars are so bright, it's just amazing. It boggles the mind... at least it did mine.
I want to go back up there again. I miss it already. And soon enough, I won't be able to. It'll be closed for the winter. Not that I can't still go, but it's so cold up there, and I'll have school and everything.
Speaking of school, I don't think they'll let me graduate in January. They told mom today that I don't have enough credits. Which is complete bullshit. I've taken a lot more classes than most people have up there, and they still graduated. So why the fuck can't I? And mom just asked the stupid fuck when she saw him, so how can he know that off the top of his head? He can't. >.< I'm going to go up there someday and have a little chat with them. Maybe I can talk them into it. I know I have enough credits to graduate, hell, Matt only needed 1/2 a credit when he started his senior year, and I've taken and passed more classes than he took. I'll talk to them, and if they don't let me, I'll take it to someone in higher authority. There's no reason why I should have to stay there for the whole year. The only things I have for the second semester is band and gym, so why should I stay? Oh well, like I said, I'll talk to them. Probably this week sometime... I hope. I want to talk to them before I got to Texas, because after that it'll be too late. I don't feel like fighting with them while I'm trying to concentrate on my grades. But if I have to, I will. They're all a bunch of stupid fucks, I don't like them. About the only descent person in an office possition at that school is mom, she does half the work for them up there, and does she get any credit for it? No, of course not. >.<
Calming down now....
Well, I'm off now, to do... stuff. Yeah. Bye.Niki drifted away @ 06:02 p.m.
Monday, August 18, 2003
Well, I just got back from Diane's. I haven't seen her in a while, I like her place. Her and her husband live in a town-house, it's not a bad little place. But Diane's going to be moving to Virginia with her brohter, because they're sending her husband Mark to Iraq. Which really sucks, she's not going to see him for a year and a half to two years. I hope he'll be okay over there, too many people are dying. He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve to have anything happen to him.
While I was there, I just kept picturing them as Matt and I when we live together. I just can't wait. Of course, I have to finish high school first. But that's only one more year.... Day by day though. I have to be patient *mutters*. They're so cute together. They just fit. Mark's a good cook too! That's always a plus.
But yeah, stuff. That's all for my day. I'm going up to camp for a few days, I think I'm going up tomorrow sometime. So, no computer access for me for a few days. Not like it'll kill me. I'll enjoy myself, I always do. I'll just run around in the woods naked or something.Niki drifted away @ 09:25 p.m.
Monday, August 18, 2003
Well, it's 8:12 in the morning now. I still haven't gone to bed. I'm not even tired. I know I should be, I was up early for me yesterday morning, and I was out doing stuff all day. And then I stayed up all night. But I just can't sleep. I want to, but I can't. I'm just not tired. Depression really doesn't do much for a person, insomnia and everything else happens.
I was talking to Matt's dad about it. He's been having the same problem, so has his mom. It's because he's gone. And none of us want it to be that way. We all wanted to keep him here. But of course we can't do that. It's his life, we have to let him live it. Of course, I'll be joining him for that life, but I kinda have to finish up this phase of my own. Which completely sucks, but that's just the way I am. I want things my way, and I want them that way yesterday. *must be patient*
I watched the sunrise this morning though. It was so gorgeous. It was just awesome, all the birds waking up and singing. Taking flight to go to their hunting grounds, or wherever it is they went. Singing their song to the sun, the gods. The cricket's song dying out until nightfall. It's amazing what you hear if you just listen. Not many people take the time to sit and really listen to nature. They're too busy running about trying to get from point A to point B in as little time as they can. Nobody knows how to relax anymore.
Of course, this morning when mom saw that I was still up and hadn't gone to bed, she got mad. I can't help that I can't sleep. What am I supposed to do? I'm not going to go get any pills for it, I hate the idea of taking a pill to go to sleep. What if you have an allergic reation to it in your sleep? That wouldn't be too fun.
Mom and I went to see Aunt Dar yesterday. Shannon was with us. It was interesting. My aunt is a lesbian, her and her girlfriend have two sons. Her girlfriend gave birth to them and my aunt adopted them. And because of this whole situation, Aunt Dar thinks that the whole familiy hates her (which we don't). She thinks we all disapprove of it, we all hate it, and that we all hate her. As mom would say, she's got this huge chip on her shoulder, just waiting for someone to knock it off. In any case, I haven't seen her in 5 years. It was so weird being in that house again. The older son, Ryan, has gotten so huge. It's hard to believe he's the same little hyperactive boy I remember from 5 years ago. I guess he has ADHD, but on his medication, you couldn't tell. He just sits around, plays video games.
Anyway, it wasn't a bad visit. There was no argument like the last time Aunt Dar came to our house. They just kept the conversation light-hearted, didn't get into any past issues. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to take Matt down there to meet her when he comes back. She isn't really a bad person. She was very nice and hospitable toward us while we were there. She invited us back next weekend. I just hope that it actually happens. I kinda missed Aunt Dar. Granted, for the past 5 years, I've been fed full of mom's grudge against her. But at least they're working through it. Maybe I'll get that huge christmas after all.
We haven't had a huge christmas in years. Where the entire family gets together, all of us. But there are so many feuds going on, I doubt it'll happen any time soon. It was so wonderful that year though. Everyone got along with everyone, nobody was mad at anybody else. All the cousins were there, I was the youngest. They all picked on me, but I got them back every now and then. It was just nice. Wrapping paper was flowing out of the living room like water down a waterfall by the time we were all done opening presents. Tootsie had a ball, she loved all that paper. I can only hope that a christmas like that will happen again in Grandma's lifetime. Now we just have to get Aunt Denny to get along with Uncle Joel and Aunt Di. And vice versa. But I don't think it'll happen. Not any time soon anyway. Probably not when grandma and papa can see it.
I still have hope though.
Anyway, I better go now, see if I can get anything accomplished.Niki drifted away @ 08:32 a.m.
Monday, August 18, 2003
Well, I just got KaZaA for the comp, so I can officially download music now. And I have since come to the conclusion that I can't perform a search while I have a song already downloading. It just... doesn't work.
Oh well, I have patience. For now.
I just downloaded "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. Very good song. Very very good. Of course... it makes me cry. But then again, a good cry every now and then never hurt anyone.
Lyrics to it... just because I can:
A huundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, it's only you and me.
THe miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you baby all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me.
God I miss him. Only 16 days though. 16 days and I can see him again. Seems more like 16 years, but it's still better than 17.Niki drifted away @ 04:08 a.m.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
I was just on TCS, and there's a completely random thread about peeing in the shower right here.Niki drifted away @ 11:17 p.m.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
I love you Laura! It's beautiful, I love it. Even though it's not done (though I fail to see where it needs work, I'll take your word for it) It's beautiful. I love that picture. I love your work, you can really go places with it.
Again, thank you a million times! You're the greatest!Niki drifted away @ 10:49 p.m.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
Okay, here you go! ^_^ I'm not completely finished, I have to change it so that it works with all browsers/resolutions, but it's good for now. If you want me to change anything, lemme know ^_^ Oh! And I'll add comments for ya later, k? ^__________^
Luff, Lau
.o0(Luff..kinda like....fluff o_O)
Niki drifted away @ 10:30 a.m.
Saturday, August 16, 2003
Hehe, I mart, I can change colors.
Alright, so it's not that impressive, but I'm proud of my small accomplishments. Someday, I'm going to have this all... pretty, instead of just... well... blah. Of course, I'm going to have to employ Lau's help, since I'm all ignorant to HTML... stuff.
But at least I can play with a few things, that'll keep me content for now.Niki drifted away @ 03:44 a.m.
Friday, August 15, 2003
People are so stupid. We had this major blackout up here in the northeast, and everyone was running around saying "Oh my god, it's another terrorist attack!" -_-' Oy, don't they realise that we're not going to be attacked again until we let our guard down? Do you attack a dragon that's awake and watching you? No, you wait until it falls asleep. The terrorists aren't stupid, they're going to wait until we fall asleep again.
Stupid'ness. In any case, mom and I were in Wall Mart when the blackout happened. That sucked, trying to get out of Saratoga during track season with no traffic lights on. Even the back roads were hell. People were going everywhere, it was crazy. As if they had anything they could do when the power's out. I swear, they all just said "well, the power's out, let's go see if we can get into a car accident while we're at it" -_-'
Papa and I went up to camp so we could get water jugs so we'd have water at home, since we have an electric pump and well. I got to drive, and even just going through Luzerne was hell. People were just being idiots. Nobody would let anybody go anywhere, nobody was courteous of anyone else. God, people are so selfish.
Well, I'm going to go see if Laura wants to go swimming at gram's, and go cool off, it's hot in here.Niki drifted away @ 02:31 p.m.
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Well, that worked alright. Of course, I'm probably going to have someone HTML it all out, so it looks better. Either that, or I'll just have to make it look pretty by myself, I found a site that teaches me HTML... but I have yet to look into it farther than boldfacing or italicising some words here and there o.O
I think I'm going to go.... study HTML or something. Though I should go to bed, I have a dentist appt at 10 something this morning. *shrug* oh well.Niki drifted away @ 04:33 a.m.
Thursday, August 14, 2003
This is just a test run, to see if I know what the hell I'm doingNiki drifted away @ 04:22 a.m.
